Monday, December 22, 2008

The Anti-Claus

From myself, Osaka, all the survivors in Mallville, and all of the other characters in my head, I would like to wish you all a Happy Christmachanakwanzyulespixtivus, or, if you do not partake in the holidays, a pleasant Thursday.

As much as I would like to, I am far too poor to buy every one of you out there presents, so instead I offer you this. There are many stories floating around the Internet involving all sorts of apocryphal nonsense about Antarctic viruses turning scientists into eco-warriors, or about Santa's evil twin, but that's all hogwash. On this cold winter's day, I present to you to the true story of The Anti-Claus.

Gather 'round people, I've a tale to tell

On this cold winter's night, so please sit a spell.

It's the tale of one whose heart Christmas never thaws

It's the tale of the villain who's called Anti-Claus.

There once was a man who was called Werner Frost

for whom the holiday spirit had all but been lost.

He was tall, and thin, and bald, and pale

and his heart was cold with good tidings gone stale.

He sat alone on a Christmas Eve night long ago

that this would be be no normal night, he could not know.

He sat 'fore his fireplace, and drank of his ale

When something occurred to make his skin even more pale.

A woman appeared in a black dress that glistened

with a night sky of stars. She said "Do not speak, just listen"

"I am the spirit balance and fairness

It is my duty to keep reality's squareness"

"I come with an offer for you to peruse,

I think you will find yourself unable to refuse."

"Begone, foul spirit, I've no use for thee,"

cried Werner, whose mind could not process the sight he did see.

"Silence, dear Werner, I think you'll want to know

Of the offer I bring, at least, before I go."

Werner silenced his mouth, though shaking with fear

What sort of ploy has brought this spirit here?

Sure he hates Christmas, but he is no stooge

To have his beliefs toyed with like some fictional Scrooge.

To make him love Christmas would not be a cinch,

He's a real three dimensional person, not a cartoon Grinch.

"All that I ask is that you to hear what I have to say," implored the spirit.

"You said you had an offer, so spit it out, let's hear it."

She understood him fully, though his words were in German

with an attitude like that, she had surely found her man.

"I offer you a job, a position of power,

where the dark cold in your soul may flourish and flower

If you accept, you'll begin with no time to waste

and if you say no, I'll depart post haste."

"Universal balance? What poppycock.

What nonsense comes out of your mouth as you talk"

Werner Frost rose from his chair as he raged.

"I have never experienced fairness in my life as I've aged."

"To the universe as a whole, not to you, it is fair

now sit back in your seat, and the truth I shall share.

For good there is evil, for dark there is light

For God there is Satan, for wrong there is right"

"For life there is death, for noise there is silence

For victory, defeat, for peace there is violence.

For laughter there are tears, and though the thought may give you pause;

For someone like Santa, there must be an Anti-Claus."

"Anti-Claus? What crap!" Werner yelled, quite mad

for if there's one thing he hated more than Christmas, it was being had.

"Get out! begone! Find some other fool to fleece!

If you do not leave now, I shall call the police."

"Oh Werner, your anger, it makes me quite sad,

but it's also what makes you perfect to be bad.

Agree to my offer, you need sign no contract.

Just tell me yes, and on your word alone I shall act."

Werner thought to himself, "You must think me a fool

you must think me a dullard with a chin coated in drool

Lets see what you do if I say yes;

leave me in peace is my hope and my guess."

"Okay, Spirit of Balance, I've heard you song, seen your dance;

I am willing to give your offer a chance."

"Oh thank you dear Werner, you shan't be forgotten,

though what you'll be known for is being mean and rotten."

With a sad look in her eyes, and a clap of her hands

the stars flew from her dress to envelope the man.

There was light, there was sound, and when it was through

Werner Frost was gone, replaced by someone new.

Still aged and still bald, but his bedclothes had gone

replaced by the regal yet sinister garments he had donned.

A cloak of pitch black trimmed with fur of blood red

covered his body, with a matching stocking hat for his head

On his feet, boots jet black, the toes ending in a sharp metal spike.

In his hand a thick wooden staff, it's tip sharpened like a pike

His skin was still pale, his frame was still thin

his body unchanged, save that his face wore a grin.

"The change is complete," said the spirit, "How do you feel?"

"I feel fantastic, invincible!" exclaimed Werner with much zeal.

"I can take down the fat man, and steal all the toys!

I can ruin Christmas for the girls and the boys!"

With sadness in her voice, the spirit proclaimed,

"The dark side of balance is restored, and I am to blame.

My job here is finished, but yours just begun.

You have the rest of the night until the rise of the sun."

"The rise of the sun? What after that?"

Asked Werner curiously while adjusting his hat.

"Tomorrow through October, you'll cease to exist,

only in November and December will your life persist."

"Two months a year?" remarked Frost, "What about the other ten?"

"You'll be somewhere, nowhere, you won't exist then.

But do not worry, you'll not feel this time pass,

from tomorrow morning, you'll find November first in a flash."

So it came to pass that balance was restored

To oppose the one who is cherished there is one to be abhorred

One to steal the presents, and break into your car.

One to knock down the Christmas tree, and steal from the charity jar.

The man who comes on Christmas Eve to make everyone merry

Again has an opposite to make your Yuletide scary

So if you find your Christmas ruined, at least now you now know the cause;

The man once known as Werner Frost is now the Anti-Claus.

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